Save A Relationship
How to Save a Relationship after Infidelity
Although it is no easy task, it is possible to save a relationship even after one partner has strayed. Many factors help to determine the ultimate success or failure of relationship after the discovery of infidelity. Of course, for some people infidelity is a “deal breaker” and no amount of apology or explanation will get them to stay.
Often, however, such tough talk gives way if the offending partner takes the right approach. So what are the conditions that can help save a relationship from the toxic pill of infidelity?
Air it Out
The first step after one partner has discovered an infidelity is for the offending partner to clear the air by giving the hurt partner all the information they want about the nature and details of the infidelity. This can be a very difficulty process, but the greater the offending partner’s candor, the better the foundation is for future trust.
If trust had not been a central aspect of the relationship up to this point, it will be from this point forward. Everything that the offending partner can do to help regain trust will help.
More likely than not the hurt party will want to know the details of what happened. Despite what people may say, the context matters. One drunken night is not equal to an extended, deceit-filled affair filled with lies. Moreover, who matters as well. There is a difference between an affair with a stranger than an affair with and old lover or with a work acquaintance. Similarly, the level of intimacy—both physical and emotional—makes a huge difference. If only kissing occurred makes a difference. If the infidelity was purely sexual, or during a period when the offending partner and the hurt partner were going through difficulties, matters.
The offending partner’s instinct may be to withhold details about when, where, with who, how often and in what way. Since such details have a manner of coming out, this is a bad idea, as every new discovery will go off like a land mine days, weeks, months, and sometimes even years later.
Both Partners Must Seek to Understand
Although we want to blame the offending partner for the infidelity and see it simply as a flaw in his or her character (as it often is), to save a relationship both partners have to commit to figuring out what the problems in the relationship are. Infidelity, especially in the later stages of a committed relationship is rarely just about moment of weakness and poor judgment.
More often than not, infidelity once a relationship is well established, points to some kind of unfulfilled desire within the context of the relationship. Sometimes this has to do directly with the interaction between the partners (e.g., one partner feels neglected or ignored during the ebb and flow of daily activities and uses the affair as a way to be recognized). Sometimes this lack of fulfillment comes from pressures that impinge on the relationship from the “outside” (e.g., house payments, or the sickness of a close relative or friend). Understanding these thwarted desires, even if they cannot be directly redressed within the context of the relationship, can help bring two partners closer. The more two individuals can feel they understand each other, the less likely they are to sequester an intimate part of themselves that they only show to a secret lover.
Similarly, the offending partner must come to fully understand the hurt that his or her action caused. The hurt partner must express the pain they felt as fully as possible. This does not just mean venting anger, but venting the deeper hurt they have felt. This requires them to be vulnerable in front of the offending partner, which may be difficult after the hurt partner’s trust has been so compromised. Only when both partners fully understand can they be expected to move on together.